P.S.
A huge part of me grew up wishing i wasn’t messy and timely. i joke about my adhd constantly and see people throwing the term around ignoring its gravity. anyone experiencing incompetency can easily accuse themselves of having adhd, ignoring the accumulation of habits and growing distractions that takes away an ordinary persons ability to focus. but for someone who actually thought that it was simply my inability to read more than 3 sentences without getting lost in the words, developing sharp fixations on topics that i never could go deeper into labeling myself as dumb, its hard to cope with the way i am today. i was so relieved when i was diagnosed and taking my first prescription helped me function like an ‘normal’ person.
but i now see the light in it. the unexpected perks of being abnormal and flawful. Sure it has cost me many days of my friends yelling at me for being late, many professional opportunities, and missed lectures i wish i can go back to learn more. but theres also fun in being ‘broken’ because you can mold it the way you want to after experiencing life from an young adults perspective. you can put the important pieces together while throwing out some sharp pieces that cut you or you don’t need anymore. you can celebrate the small wins that might not matter to someone else, the people i am deeply jealous of who have effortless discipline and drive. its silly to be proud of myself for going to all my classes on time but knowing how far i had to come to do such ordinary thing is quite precious. this is not to justify my actions that often disrespect others people’s time but i’m just saying that you don’t have to always look at your flaws with frustration rather i’m seeing every problem is an opportunity.
P.P.S
I realized how hard it is to follow my train of thought in the following writing. but for context this is what i wrote before going into a conversation in hopes of getting back w my ex after reading n applying ‘let them’ and also recognizing the dangers of taking relationship advice from IG. this writing was an attempt to tie together everything that i learned recently & the connections of learnings from my past readings as well.
when i first read the let them theory, it was revolutionary. i mean nothing was really novel but how Mel conceptualized it helped me so much. it also fueled my regret with the decisions i made while being emotional as i wish i used such method to control myself and make better decisions.
At first when i felt a wave of disappointment or frustration i would repeat ‘let them’ multiple times to prevent myself from saying mean things. Over time, I see ‘let them’ slowly taking a place in my overall reaction system in a less discrete way. I don’t instantly take things personally or make negative assumptions when someone says anything bothersome. and it gave me the power to filter things i want to or not want to react to.
I obviously picked up the book because I wanted to gain control of the way i respond to difficult situations–especially in intimate relationships. Because of how relatable Mel was, i felt like i found the answers to all my relationship problems. I felt like I could do it again and I just needed to position myself back to a place where I can demonstrate this new skill again to prove that i have learned.
Desperate to put myself in a situation where I can demonstrate this new skill, I had another shift in perspective when my friend after hearing about my ‘enlightment’ and regrets said: “hindsight is 20/20”.
the reality is that i only picked up the book because I finally saw the consequences of letting everything that i found uncomfortable or difficult, bother me. whether that was classes, relationships, or even the way that i functioned. it made me question even if i had all this knowledge if i would’ve even been able to use it properly and drive completely different outcomes.
for a moment, I thought I had all the solutions to my relationship problems, ways i could’ve prevented it to foster a healthier one. Simultaneously, the understanding that i cannot be sure if that would’ve completely changed the trajectory of the relationship was also emerging.
at the end of the day, my initial diagnosis of the barrier to fostering a sustainable long distance relationship was because of the differences my partner and I had. the same me with the same life goals therefore i cannot guarantee that i would’ve been so far different from how i handled and processed this barrier. would i have actually made that change with the knowledge of 'how relationships should be & best practices on understanding n accepting your partner as they are’? because people only change when they want to (also a lesson from the book) + someone constantly yelling at you how you should be actually deviates you from changes, even tho they are necessary. reminder to self: remember all the times people pointed out your spending habits. sure in your circumstances it might be ‘sustainable’ but maybe they are foreseeing the accumulation of the consequences of ‘retail-therapy’ that you’re blinded by the momentary satisfaction.
I know the flowt this writing is awkward rn but i mean… relationship problems especially breakups and rekindling comes with a messy train of thoughts. bare with me.
I wrote this post while finding ways to communicate that i wanted to give the relationship another try (followed by sincerely adopting my partners definition of love) while recognizing that i could’ve done so much better and would like a chance to show that I can behave in a way that aligns better with his values. but i also knew that my immature behavior cost us to even be in this heartbreaking situation, so I had to be ready to respect his decision. i wanted to really see if he could see himself giving ‘us’ another try & i no longer wanted to force a different outcome. I knew i had ‘let them & let me’ to help me push through any outcome from the difficult conversation.
*when i wrote this i was so desperate to get back with him lol and thought that this promise to change would change everything (although the actually conversation ended up revealing something much more important & 4/3 update: i have accepted it and long distance really sucks. but im so grateful that i got experience love that made me want to be a better person)
the most powerful way of changing someone is simply letting them. giving them the autonomy they need. no one likes to have their autonomy threatened. doing so gives them the time and space to maximize their best interest so if they really think they need it and eventually make a decision towards what you believe is right, that means you guys actually align.
maybe the best tactic is to tell them your valid reasoning to believe why something is right and give them the complete choice to act on it. because if it was really necessary, they will eventually come back searching for it.
application: think deeply about how you realized that you value long-term loyalty and treating relationships in your 20s as sacred & suggest the cost/benefits of potentially getting back then give him full agency to make a decision. from your end, you need to be firm that you are okay with both outcomes because at the end of the day you know how to make the best out of both outcomes. (4/3 update: lol i really don’t know how to stand on business. but is standing on business even possible or necessary? i never want to be a cold person and i once again think this is why you can’t simply apply logic to navigating intimate relationships)
this is not manipulative, this is probably the best method of accepting such tricky internal debate. particularly more useful when you’re fighting the urge to change someone else, who have built their identity based on the unique life they were given. since i think he is wise enough to make a call and you do believe that now be fine with it & be grateful and proceed with your life. either way the ‘ice-cube is melting’. so say what you need and move on. don’t dwell on something you can’t control anymore.
if there is one thing i learned, its that you deserve and attract who you are. the worry that i have right now is that i wont be able to meet someone like him again but if i shift my behavior and align beliefs with what you look for it in a partner, it will attract someone like that. so hope this will ease the anxiety & serve as a motivation for self-improvement. eventually you can also set high expectations for the other person. I learned that the the older you get, you can only expect what you give.
I now like to call out instagram dating advices as bs cuz dating is now so gamified and people only produce content that will embed short-termism and provoke strong emotional reactions so they engage with the content more. things that actually teaches you the truth are long and boring–no one wants to listen to a truthful yap when all they wanted to do was get a hit of dopamine before they go to bed.
[whats worse, hitting your vape before bed or doomscrolling to wind down?]
(^ potential public speaking topic alert!!)
People have the tendency to only listen to what they want instead of need. so this is where honesty kicks in again, you need to be honest with yourself and when someone tells you ‘you need to change = bro u gotta get urself tgt ts aint funny’, you can’t get rid of the most uncomfortable smirk that shows that you are deeply bothered by someone pointing out something you’ve been trying to avoid for so long, maybe take sometime to turn this need into something you want. meaning, make yourself hungry for ways to improve that aspect of your life. you might not be able to act on it immediately but you will one day be thankful that they made that comment because you realize how the most uncomfortable and hurtful comments from your closest ones are actually because they love you. you didn’t get mad at your friend for not following job-search best practices because you hated them, rather it was because you wanted to help them succeed. take advantage of the third-person perspective that you alone will never get a chance to develop in your life. ofc, you shouldn’t be swayed by other people’s opinion but you should let it guide you to growth and opportunities of learning. every uncomfortable experience becomes a source for learning. so at the core, you need to have a growth mindset. this leads to another set of enlightenment i felt while reading mindset by Carol Dweck.
‘people change only when they want to’ and ‘change starts with shift in identity’. to keep this sustainable you need to embed yourself with a growth mindset.
^ the two biggest lessons I learned through my current readings.
[4/3 update: i initially wanted this sub. to be more formal but i like writing out my train of thought like this that doesn’t stick to one theme.]